Change can make you notice all the things around you that are usually pushed aside by the relentless routines of life, or drowned out by the noisy clamour of the thoughts in your head. This is happening more to me lately, my head being somehow clearer than usual (you might even say ’empty’, but I prefer to stick with ‘clear’).
Rushing out into this car park with my shopping, I suddenly became aware that I was not dressed for the season; that although the sun was shining as warmly as it had done all day, it was now bringing a latent glow to trees which had already lost their green. A chill wind rose up, making me shiver and run, thinking of winter coats and warm socks.
At the car I stopped for a moment and took a couple of photos, of trees and the sky, not knowing why I was doing this except that I felt as if I was making time stop for a moment. The cold wind had reminded me that the world continued to turn, that time was passing – and that this moment would also pass, like all others.
When I was living with my husband, my head was constantly full of words. Often they were angry words, mulling over things he had said and things I should have said back. There were bits of conversation floating around there, jokes he had made which still made me laugh despite myself, and I was continually composing arguments or jokes of my own; things which would convince him. Things which would make him change.
My head was full of him, it must be said. Crowded full of him: full of anger and sorrow, and the occasional flash of pure joy.
Now, there are no words. As soon as I begin to write, I realise that this is because all my words were for him. This is why I am living in near silence these days. Because I do not want to talk about him.
Where there were words, images rush in to fill me up. I no longer walk around with my head down and my lips moving involuntarily with internal dialogue, so that I start when I see somebody I know, wondering if they noticed or could read my lips. Now my head is full of the sky – the blueness of it! All the different shades! The trees – the patterns of light and shade, the way sun casts circles of light which dance on the floor. The moon, last night, huge and low in my car windscreen.
Here are a few more of the things I saw recently: